tired expectancy

I have to be honest and say I have no idea what I should or shouldn't write about tonight! I frankly am tired. I have had a busier than usual week -- one that has been both rewarding and scary all at the same time. The kids have been in a constant fall party mode for the past week and a half and high on sugar from all of the cookies and candy and cupcakes and ....you name it, they have ingested it! AND amidst all of that, I miss my husband. I think we have had maybe ten minutes all week to talk -- and that was mostly done over itching and lathering of anti-itch creams while discussing the possibility of adding a puppy to the household! HOW ROMANTIC is that! This is our life. Jackson, our new addition, is a blond lab mix puppy that has been so much easier to train than I had imagined and is fitting into our crazy household very easily. Spoiled already by not only the kids and Eric but by family friends as well. I am not sure yet that he knows our house is now "his" house! Amidst all of this activity I have this sense of expectancy of what the Lord might bring next into our lives at the rise of the new day. This new town of ours (or mine since Eric actually grew up here and seems to know just about everyone), is full of discoveries and possibilities -- and at every turn of a new day, I see so much that the Lord is blessing my family with. New friends, new opportunities, new eyes to see the lost and broken, new ears to hear the hurts and victories won. And now (thankfully) a larger heart, that is being healed and opened to love people for whose they are and not for who I perceive them to be. The Lord is good, and we are blessed. May you sleep well knowing you are loved and cared for by your creator and lover of your soul. I know I will! :)

Another new "normal"

Normal. hmmmnn. That is what someone wrote on one of my kids' test scores for a check up once. Normal. If you are like me, Normal just doesn't do it for you anymore. What does normal even mean? Average? Usual? Normal temperatures are not even "normal" for everyone any longer. There is now a normal "range". Our post modern culture seems to be getting away from defining everything as a status-quo or bringing anything into a "melting pot" -- and deciding this is the Norm. Wouldn't you just love to have a name like "Norm" just to announce to everyone by your name tag that you are indeed normal! I can just see it, "Yes, my name is Norm! I am Normal because my name says so!" Who is it today that decides what normal is? Who are these experts that state the average status anyway? No one for sure has asked my opinion or polled my family to help decide what Normal actually looks like in flesh and blood! And if I or anyone I cared about were to be in a Normal "line up" to say this is what normal looks like, I would be appalled! John Ortberg in his book, Everybody's normal until we get to know them, says it best when he states, "Everybody's weird....Because we know in our hearts that this is not the way we're supposed to be, we try and hide our weirdness. Every one of us pretends to be healthier and kinder than we really are; we all engage in what might be called "depravity management". In trying to pretend all of the time and striving to be something that we want people to perceive, we can completely exhaust ourselves! And yet, "the yearning to attach and connect, to love and be loved, is the fiercest longing of the soul" (again John Ortberg).

Dallas Willard once said, the natural condition of life for human beings is reciprocal rootedness in others." ...."To make a start where we are, we must recognize that our world is not normal, but only usual at present."

We need each other. We were made for each other. And don't we all breathe easier when someone else stands up and says, "hey, I really need a REAL friend right now --don't you?" No one wants a normal friend, they want a real one. One that loves us so dearly that they can be honest with themselves in our presence and we can then reciprocate and be honest with them and walk away knowing we were just loved by Jesus at the same time. That is what we all look for. That is what we all desire if we are truly honest with ourselves. I am blessed in that I am finding more of Jesus and his love and grace in others these days. For so long, being too full of fear to show the "real Amanda" and becoming too "perfect"--- striving to be someone or something I was not -- "NORMAL". These days, I now know that my Jesus is the only perfect human being that ever walked the planet. AND, BABY, he was FAR from normal. If He loves me, (and He truly and deeply does) then I know I am unique, special and precious in His sight. If the creator of the universe, the painter of the beautiful canvas of life thinks I am precious -- then who can ever tell me otherwise?? Hi -- My name is no longer Normal. It is beautiful.

Someone once said....

Just some questions to ponder tonight...
Why is it that the tongue of another person can carry such weight within our hearts? Weather it is an encouraging word that we hear and are lifted to the highest elevated sense of affirmation which we as human beings are so conditioned to listen for; or weather it is a word of criticism either for our good or harm that deflates us and defeats us in an instant. Someone asked me last week, why it was, that what someone once said to me held such importance ---that when Satan whispers it in my ear, all movement (from either forward or back) is halted and fear paralyzes all motivation to continue. My response: A lie from the Pit of Hell itself, was at that moment believed and I reject the truth of the Lover of my Soul.

Why is it so much easier to believe the lie of Satan that deflates and defeats us than to relish the truth and bathe in the goodness of our Savior who created us and knows us intimately? My response? I just know that Satan is the master of deceit and knows how to use our human tendencies to take the focus off of Our Lord and put it on our own interest. What a easy way to fall. We then begin to judge God -- we begin to doubt his love and his holiness and therefore doubt everything. The beginning of destruction of truth to relative truth......??? Only if you think so...or, is it only if I think so???

Why is the last Oreo cookie always stale? My response? what last cook...mmmmm.

Fun Farm day tomorrow -- rain or shine, snow, sleet or wind (weather calls for all three). Two kids, a preschool class and a bunch of cold parents toting around pumpkins. And I can't sleep...again. I can't wait until this medication is finished! My eyes and brain are finished! I wish I could just convince my heart and mind of that! My poor friends have probably had enough of the Durbins on steroids! :)

Random acts of mahem.

Good evening...uh, morning! It is 12:55am and I have just risen out of bed --- no, strike that-- was kicked out of bed by my son and daughter who think that their mommy's bed (KING SIZE) is large enough to thrash around in. Eric is at work yet again tonight, and so my thoughts have no where to turn but to the blog spot! Lucky you!
I have been trying to determine lately what it is exactly the Lord is wanting to do in my and my family during this stage of our life. However, the more I ponder and try to figure out what it is He is wanting to do, is doing, or will do; I become more and more anxious about what it is I should be doing. We have several great friends that continue to remind us that we are called to His ministry and that we should be doing this or that....we have great friends with hearts of Gold who want to see us working in His church and earning monies for what we have had the privilege of education and experience to do -- We have wonderful friends who want to see us succeed in every aspect of ministry --reach the multitudes, lost and broken families, win Winchester and Indiana back into His family; and great friends in the churches who desperately need leadership help to help them take their churches to the next level. Honestly -- right now, though, I am not sure that is what He wants me (or us) to do. I am not even sure He wants me to DO anything.
Lately, I am overwhelmed with a sense of peace. A peace that only comes with enjoying the presence of my Lord with me wherever I am. A peace that sometime while I was in the midst of DOING ministry I lost and only have recently recovered it in the last two years. In the midst of striving to DO and BE things that "man" needed and wanted, I lost the enjoyment of being present in Him, and fulfilling His dreams for me and my family -- and ultimately the desires of our hearts. This was my fault completely, a fault of my driven type A personality -- driven by leadership and goals, driven by status and achievement, driven by success and failure - and by acceptance and recognition. All in themselves, are not wrong. All in themselves without our Lord in the center, is sin. It is a wonder this world has the stress related illnesses it battles with, that I battle with, the syndromes and phobias and anxieties of this day. Peace. A word that this world knows little about -- but needs more than anything.
So tonight, I conclude in my thoughts, that I will no longer strive to Do -- I only want to continue to BE His Love in this city, in this place and minister to those who He brings in our path. To Be of help and of courage, to BElong to Him and out of the overflowing of our joy, splash a little along to those who need a little extra. Lord, help me do this. You know my personality is not of easy rest...but yours is of Peace. Praise your Holy Name today!

Mad-dash Monday

Once again, the wake up call from Cooper came this morning at 4:30 am with the heel of his foot hitting me straight in the forehead. Good morning, Cooper! After carrying him back to bed, realizing he snuck in under the radar (no telling how long he had been there!) I tried to go back to sleep - to no avail. Images of the first 5 chapters of the book I read still dancing around my thick skull. I already dreamed several dreams regarding the content and am convinced I will never let my kids out of my arms reach again. Friends had said that the first five chapters of "The Shack" were hard to read -- but they didn't say the images would stay with you even in your worst dreams. Frankly, it was easy to read...just has been hard to digest and come to grips with the pain the main character faces. If you haven't read it, they say it is an amazing book...I can't yet recommend it, since I hate the first five chapters already -- but I am sure it gets better than the imagery of pure evil I have in my mind! AND those who have recommended it do not have young children any longer to worry about or haven't yet.
Then with a little princess rushing the household to get to preschool early so she can be the first and only girl to pick out the "Cinderella books complete with dress up costume" book bag to take home, she refused to do her hair and waited for the rest of us in the cold, dark van for at least 15 minutes! The day ended better with a clean house, a great conversation with a friend and kids going to bed with full tummies and early! ahhhh...peace.
Oh - but then there's Eric..."Itchy Eric" as I call him these days! I better lather him down with poison sumac scrub and send him to bed. HE GETS HIS SHOTS TOMORROW!! praise the Lord! I think sometimes he is a bigger baby than my babies! :) But, ahhh...I love him so!
So --- spiritual insight today? The Lord has been close. No, closer than that. He has been giving me a sense of peace all day. As I watch my children sleep so soundly -- not a care in the world, unaware of the last load of laundry, Stock market, presidential race, and the bills that we still need to pay this week.... I too know, I have this same joy - peace that can't be understood by all, but given as a gift to those who know my Jesus. My precious Jesus. Good night friends, Peace be with you.

Clean vs. Dirty

Today I had the privilege of working alongside friends in painting and cleaning a kitchen and Bathroom. The simple everyday kind of things we do to help friends we care about and enjoy their company at the same time. The kids (and I include daddy Eric in this as well!) Had the best time playing with the baby bunnies, playing ball, playing with fire and the grill as well as learning the tricks of the trade of Potato Launchers. (Yes, I did say Potato launchers -- loud but fun!)

While cleaning and such, I was able to take the time to ponder -- Is this really clean??? Have you ever cleaned something and then asked yourself...."should I clean this again? How do I know it is really clean?" Well, my philosophical mind does. Is it clean because the chemical bottle I just used says it is 99.9% bacterial free once I use it?? And what happens if I miss that .01%? Won't that still make a stink of things? -- I can just see those Oprah and Dr. Phil ladies coming to the house and finding the .01% of dirt that will make us all sick and eventually kill us dead! Is it clean because it is back to its original color? Is it clean when it squeaks? Is it clean when it smells clean? And what does clean really smell like? I am sure it wasn't that chemical stuff I used in the bathtub tonight! YUCK! I can hear it now..."ooohhhh..don't you smell like 'the works'!!" Someone else might say..."You are Squeaky clean??...here let me check..!" No thanks!

I am thankful for one thing tonight. That in despite of my O.C.D. tendencies, when the Lord tells us we are clean, we can be assured we are 100% clean -- without spot or wrinkle! When we go to him and admit our sins -- admit how dirty we actually are to Him and to ourselves...It is His precious gift of Grace that washes over us, cleaning us from all sin and shame. It is then that the world will have His sweet fragrance to fill up every room that we enter together. He is so good to us! What a privilege to serve such a wonderful Lord!

Getting the itch

Today it really hit! After clearing yet another tree from my brother-in-laws property, my husband and I both awoke last night to severe itching on almost every part of our anatomy! All over my face, arms and neck. He got it worse! All over his face, front and back of his neck, arms and legs! His eyes are almost swollen shut with the amount of poison "whatever" it is that has decided to invade our household. Thankfully, our doctor friends at the hospital tell us it isn't contagious --- that would be all I need to pass it on to my two preschool children! We have now prescriptions and creams to relieve the itch and to dry up the rash.

Having this itch however, gave me reason to do some evaluation. (not that I never NEED a reason!). What is it that is in our hearts that gets our attention by constantly reminding us of it's existence and being persistent for attention? For me, it is the constant need to scratch the itch of writing. I want to write, to let my thoughts and feeling flow out of my mind onto the papers at be, however something always sooths that itch but never takes care of the initial passion. Until now. I have been nervous and even slightly rebellious to our Lord, by putting it off -- and ignoring the itch through excuses of time, talent and family. Now -- it has grown so large, and the Lord has given me the time, and family I need...and those who read this will also note if I have the talent or not! -- but none of that really matters to him. It just matters that I scratch the itch and try -- give it a good go, my best ---and that is all that it takes to honor and glorify Him who gave me this "affliction" as I, sadly, sometimes refer to it. I always feel blessed when I write, always feel loved and always feel relieved. Is something itching at your heart and soul? Find relief and just try! But beware, the more you scratch....the more it will itch!
Living in Him again today,
Amanda