David, I am a fairly young mom -- and am still struggling to figure out this thing called life in God's family --- so, forgive me if I sound too preachy or heretical myself!
As a young mom, with a type A personality, plans are something I think about often ---and find that more times than not, my plan isn't really the plan...but a partial part of the ultimate plan of the day. No matter how messed up my check list gets with marks or erase scratches, at the end of the day I can look back and see how everything had a special place in fulfilling the overall goals of loving and caring for my children. (already you know what I want to say)....
I am not sure that everything that happens in our lives -- the details and situations that we worry ourselves over -- even the horrible of the horrible large scale decisions that us free willed people have encountered -- are ever part of God's plan for his children. His plan was for the children to live in the garden of Eden and enjoy the loving relationship He has so freely given us ---and now, due to our disobedience, to restore that right relationship. Just as Cooper falling off his bike and hitting his head on the pavement after mommy told him (over and over) to wear his helmet...his decision to refuse my promptings lead to a large and painful bump on his sweet little head. I am ultimately sad for him, but love him just the same and our relationship is restored upon learning mommy indeed knows best. I am not trying to trivialize the Holocaust or large scale attack on innocent people or even the sadness of loss and disease, but what I am getting at is that at the end of the day, the Lord's plan is still always accomplished. His children are blessed and His name is glorified. His children are loved and cared for. Their scares are soothed by the sweet whispers of his love and grace. They remember that the Lord is Lord and knows best --and place thier trust in Him once again. Their fears are conquered through the hope of heaven. And best of all, His presence is even closer than the day before. Is this heretical?? I am not sure...but it gets me through the bumps and bruises of my messy life -- I only wish that we (as a human race) would trust Him more and obey his promtings every time, we would then truly be in a better world.
I am interested in what you think! Thank you for following, and I enjoy your writing too. Mark and Darcy Dill forwarded me some of your book -- I have enjoyed what I have read thus far (have a lot of questions regarding it some of it) and looking forward to the middle and ending!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Understanding
I just finished a book that I wish I would have renewed from the library - and re-read. It wasn't a GREAT book in a sense that it was "the most amazing piece of work that I have ever read" -- but it was a great work in that it reminded me of a truth that I believe the Lord needed to really make me understand. I am not sure if you are like me in my thinking...the always analyzing situations, trying to "figure the Lord out", or "why" a situation is turning the way it is or isn't. I also don't know if you are like me and think - "Boy, if I were God, it would look totally different". Praise the Lord that Amanda is not God - what an arrogant thought that is anyway! The world would be in a BIGGER mess than it the state it is currently in, and boy -- it needs more help than I can give it! That's me, the Savior of the world...the "fix it now", the I can do it by myself, full of pride -- human, girl that I am. UGH.
Anyway - back to the reminder -- You will have to forgive me, for I do not have the book in front of me, nor do I remember ALL the details, but I will give you a paraphrase of what I took from it.
In the fictional story, a Polish man who spent several years in the Nazi prison camps, was explaining to a woman why it was that he wasn't bitter and angry at God, and still in fact promoted Him. He answered by telling a story that a rabbi in the camp told him at his moment in questioning God. Some time ago, there is a legend of a rabbi in Poland who .... (OK...I know what you are thinking...no it isn't a joke!! Place your mind back on the truth of the moment please!) This rabbi in Poland took a class of students one day to a hill that overlooked the entire city to teach the lessons of the day. While they were away, the enemy came in and destroyed the entire city and those that lived in it. As the students and the rabbi watched in horror, the rabbi just lowered his head and whispered..."Oh, if only I were God." To which a student replied, "teacher? If you were God, what would you do differently?" The rabbi, with tears in his eyes, looked at the student and then back at the city and slowly stated, "If I were God, I would not do anything differently -- I'd understand."
My reminder. Who knows the mind of God or can fathom His ways?? Who can understand his wisdom, or His ultimate timing? I understand why Solomon asked for Wisdom. I understand now why it is the Christian life can be hard to understand from a distance. If one doesn't truly know Christ, and I mean TRULY know him..love him, and trust him.... with everything that they are -- this world can seem upside down. UH, to the christian, it seems upside down at times. The only difference is, we know Jesus - we know He has an ultimate plan - that we are privileged to play a part in -- an irreplaceable role, that no one else on earth can accomplish in that plan. And how we carry out that role -- is the incredible miracle -- for we have a free will in which we can choose to listen to his calling -- or not. And still, if we truly know him and miss his voice -- he still works to our Good because we love him! What a gift. During this Thanksgiving weekend, the Lord has reminded me once again -- that he is God and I am not. That despite my attempts to try to control the situations around me, and my attempt to understand his ultimate plans for my and my children's future... That he alone holds the plan, and reveals it to me in a manner that I can understand -- piece by piece. How do you eat an elephant??? One bite at a time! He knows that if I see the entire picture, I would be completely overwhelmed, completely terrified and would crawl under my covers to hide -- at least until the pumpkin pie comes out!
Thank the Lord for His gift of grace.
Thank you Lord for your perfect timing.
Thank you Lord, for your gift of peace.
Thank you Lord for being Lord,
Thank you Lord for loving me,
AND thank you Lord, for pumpkin pie!
Anyway - back to the reminder -- You will have to forgive me, for I do not have the book in front of me, nor do I remember ALL the details, but I will give you a paraphrase of what I took from it.
In the fictional story, a Polish man who spent several years in the Nazi prison camps, was explaining to a woman why it was that he wasn't bitter and angry at God, and still in fact promoted Him. He answered by telling a story that a rabbi in the camp told him at his moment in questioning God. Some time ago, there is a legend of a rabbi in Poland who .... (OK...I know what you are thinking...no it isn't a joke!! Place your mind back on the truth of the moment please!) This rabbi in Poland took a class of students one day to a hill that overlooked the entire city to teach the lessons of the day. While they were away, the enemy came in and destroyed the entire city and those that lived in it. As the students and the rabbi watched in horror, the rabbi just lowered his head and whispered..."Oh, if only I were God." To which a student replied, "teacher? If you were God, what would you do differently?" The rabbi, with tears in his eyes, looked at the student and then back at the city and slowly stated, "If I were God, I would not do anything differently -- I'd understand."
My reminder. Who knows the mind of God or can fathom His ways?? Who can understand his wisdom, or His ultimate timing? I understand why Solomon asked for Wisdom. I understand now why it is the Christian life can be hard to understand from a distance. If one doesn't truly know Christ, and I mean TRULY know him..love him, and trust him.... with everything that they are -- this world can seem upside down. UH, to the christian, it seems upside down at times. The only difference is, we know Jesus - we know He has an ultimate plan - that we are privileged to play a part in -- an irreplaceable role, that no one else on earth can accomplish in that plan. And how we carry out that role -- is the incredible miracle -- for we have a free will in which we can choose to listen to his calling -- or not. And still, if we truly know him and miss his voice -- he still works to our Good because we love him! What a gift. During this Thanksgiving weekend, the Lord has reminded me once again -- that he is God and I am not. That despite my attempts to try to control the situations around me, and my attempt to understand his ultimate plans for my and my children's future... That he alone holds the plan, and reveals it to me in a manner that I can understand -- piece by piece. How do you eat an elephant??? One bite at a time! He knows that if I see the entire picture, I would be completely overwhelmed, completely terrified and would crawl under my covers to hide -- at least until the pumpkin pie comes out!
Thank the Lord for His gift of grace.
Thank you Lord for your perfect timing.
Thank you Lord, for your gift of peace.
Thank you Lord for being Lord,
Thank you Lord for loving me,
AND thank you Lord, for pumpkin pie!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Cooper "The Tank" Durbin
Cooper Joseph Durbin
My little superman...ah, I better say spider man (his favorite super hero besides Jesus) or he might beat me up! He is my baby. He is my heart. He is my greatest sense of accomplishment and my greatest joy. He is also destined to play sports. Which one you ask? If it has a ball and you can throw, kick or hit it -- he will play it. And he will be good(and that isn't just a mommy's bias)! A few of his favorites: Baseball, Football and hockey. Not sure how we will swing the hockey now that we are in Indy-- just know he still wants to play it! I think they give a "I love Hockey" shot when the kids are born in Canadian hospitals! Just last Friday at a Halloween carnival, he threw a kid sized football into the center of a hoop -- not only one time, not only the first time....but all five times he picked up the ball -- then he got an audience and got a little stage shy, missing two. He cared not about the candy prizes for the games...just give him the ball! Today, throwing the baseball (soft one) back and forth from about 10 feet apart, I needed to go get a glove! THE BOY IS ONLY 3~! I guess, since his dad broke a lot of the sports records not only here on the state record in several sports, and had ONU's home run record for several years -- he kind of gets it naturally ---and he looks just like his daddy too! But who is bragging?? He looks small - but he is solid -- and weighs almost as much as his sister! Thus the "tank" nickname! They no longer wrestle due to the fact that Cooper can now whip Mackenzie's bum! She hates to loose. (She gets that naturally too!) Pray for him, Indiana allergies are not doing him any good this week. Despite the Zyrtec everyday, he has had a runny nose, sore throat and has gotten tired more easily. His tonsils are the size of baseballs, so he will need those out after he turns 5, and that doesn't help the allergy symptoms. But, he is blessed and we are blessed to have him. He loves to sing...and my favorite thing about him, is that he loves to worship! He will sing worship songs anywhere -- AND we always know when he is in the bathroom going "poo" for he will be singing VERY LOUDLY, "I am a friend of God" -- He calls it his "poo poo song"! :) Tonight as he was playing his play keyboard, he was trying to match the pitch with his voice. Someone once told me that they thought the Lord had a special plan for him in "ministry" -- I pray that it is a ministry that pays more than mine does!! -- But more than that, I pray that his talents and gifts of leading people to the throne of Grace will never be hidden! Below are some recent pics of my baby -- who could not love this boy???
(The older girl pictured with Cooper, besides his 5 year old sister Mackenzie, is his cousin Holly)
Enjoy!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
"Myth-Busters"
In the secret life of Amanda Durbin -- there is perception and then there is reality. I am here to expose some myths believed about her - and give you a glimpse of her reality. If you are interested....you may read on.
1. Amanda is as organized in her home life as she is in the project she does for other people. If you believe this, then I have a bridge in Egypt to sell to you. I try to be organized, but with two preschoolers who in just entering a room can destroy all aspects of order and a husband who doesn't understand why we put our socks in the clothes basket rather than the crack of the sofa - and now a puppy who drags it's chew toys out of his "bed" all over the house following the kids -- some days I just give up after 4pm! Everything has a place, but not everything is ever in it -- tonight as I write this, sofa cushions are almost on the floor hanging off the sofa, Eric is itching and smothering himself with itch cream with his "stuff (he tends to nest everywhere he goes)" around him -- and the kids dumped out two plastic drawers of play kitchen stuffs out all over the foyer floor looking for a spatula (last night) and I haven't had time or energy to make them pick it up. This drives me insane...I thank God for Julie's Monday mornings every day!
2. Amanda is "all put together" - NOT! I fall apart every day just looking for a pair of pants that fit my ever growing hips! I am tired, emotional and irritated most of the time -- I just pray and ask the Lord to help me love -- without Him and his strength and grace -- I would be a mess!
3. Amanda is independent, self-motivated and self-reliant. hmmmmn. Co-dependent on my husband, procrastinator and proud to be more exact. All get in the way of making true and lasting friendships. My fear of failure keeps me from believing in myself without pep talks from my husband, keep me from starting projects in advance and then have learned to do my best work in a hurry -- and too proud to ask for help when I need it even from my Jesus! Ouch...how honest is that! Praise God that He already knows this and steps in when ever I need Him! (Now no one will ever ask for my help again eh?!)
OK.... that was hard enough. Don't ask for much more honesty than that tonight! See....FAR from Normal! Normal people are organized, put together, independent, self motivated and self reliant! right??
What a great message I heard this morning in Service. The Lord is good -- He is in control and knows what He is doing -- even when we don't. This week, I am praying that Christ Followers vote with a conviction and a call from our Lord. And pray, that no matter the outcome, that the Lord shows favor on this country we call the land of the free and home of the brave.
1. Amanda is as organized in her home life as she is in the project she does for other people. If you believe this, then I have a bridge in Egypt to sell to you. I try to be organized, but with two preschoolers who in just entering a room can destroy all aspects of order and a husband who doesn't understand why we put our socks in the clothes basket rather than the crack of the sofa - and now a puppy who drags it's chew toys out of his "bed" all over the house following the kids -- some days I just give up after 4pm! Everything has a place, but not everything is ever in it -- tonight as I write this, sofa cushions are almost on the floor hanging off the sofa, Eric is itching and smothering himself with itch cream with his "stuff (he tends to nest everywhere he goes)" around him -- and the kids dumped out two plastic drawers of play kitchen stuffs out all over the foyer floor looking for a spatula (last night) and I haven't had time or energy to make them pick it up. This drives me insane...I thank God for Julie's Monday mornings every day!
2. Amanda is "all put together" - NOT! I fall apart every day just looking for a pair of pants that fit my ever growing hips! I am tired, emotional and irritated most of the time -- I just pray and ask the Lord to help me love -- without Him and his strength and grace -- I would be a mess!
3. Amanda is independent, self-motivated and self-reliant. hmmmmn. Co-dependent on my husband, procrastinator and proud to be more exact. All get in the way of making true and lasting friendships. My fear of failure keeps me from believing in myself without pep talks from my husband, keep me from starting projects in advance and then have learned to do my best work in a hurry -- and too proud to ask for help when I need it even from my Jesus! Ouch...how honest is that! Praise God that He already knows this and steps in when ever I need Him! (Now no one will ever ask for my help again eh?!)
OK.... that was hard enough. Don't ask for much more honesty than that tonight! See....FAR from Normal! Normal people are organized, put together, independent, self motivated and self reliant! right??
What a great message I heard this morning in Service. The Lord is good -- He is in control and knows what He is doing -- even when we don't. This week, I am praying that Christ Followers vote with a conviction and a call from our Lord. And pray, that no matter the outcome, that the Lord shows favor on this country we call the land of the free and home of the brave.
Friday, October 31, 2008
tired expectancy
I have to be honest and say I have no idea what I should or shouldn't write about tonight! I frankly am tired. I have had a busier than usual week -- one that has been both rewarding and scary all at the same time. The kids have been in a constant fall party mode for the past week and a half and high on sugar from all of the cookies and candy and cupcakes and ....you name it, they have ingested it! AND amidst all of that, I miss my husband. I think we have had maybe ten minutes all week to talk -- and that was mostly done over itching and lathering of anti-itch creams while discussing the possibility of adding a puppy to the household! HOW ROMANTIC is that! This is our life. Jackson, our new addition, is a blond lab mix puppy that has been so much easier to train than I had imagined and is fitting into our crazy household very easily. Spoiled already by not only the kids and Eric but by family friends as well. I am not sure yet that he knows our house is now "his" house! Amidst all of this activity I have this sense of expectancy of what the Lord might bring next into our lives at the rise of the new day. This new town of ours (or mine since Eric actually grew up here and seems to know just about everyone), is full of discoveries and possibilities -- and at every turn of a new day, I see so much that the Lord is blessing my family with. New friends, new opportunities, new eyes to see the lost and broken, new ears to hear the hurts and victories won. And now (thankfully) a larger heart, that is being healed and opened to love people for whose they are and not for who I perceive them to be. The Lord is good, and we are blessed. May you sleep well knowing you are loved and cared for by your creator and lover of your soul. I know I will! :)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Another new "normal"
Normal. hmmmnn. That is what someone wrote on one of my kids' test scores for a check up once. Normal. If you are like me, Normal just doesn't do it for you anymore. What does normal even mean? Average? Usual? Normal temperatures are not even "normal" for everyone any longer. There is now a normal "range". Our post modern culture seems to be getting away from defining everything as a status-quo or bringing anything into a "melting pot" -- and deciding this is the Norm. Wouldn't you just love to have a name like "Norm" just to announce to everyone by your name tag that you are indeed normal! I can just see it, "Yes, my name is Norm! I am Normal because my name says so!" Who is it today that decides what normal is? Who are these experts that state the average status anyway? No one for sure has asked my opinion or polled my family to help decide what Normal actually looks like in flesh and blood! And if I or anyone I cared about were to be in a Normal "line up" to say this is what normal looks like, I would be appalled! John Ortberg in his book, Everybody's normal until we get to know them, says it best when he states, "Everybody's weird....Because we know in our hearts that this is not the way we're supposed to be, we try and hide our weirdness. Every one of us pretends to be healthier and kinder than we really are; we all engage in what might be called "depravity management". In trying to pretend all of the time and striving to be something that we want people to perceive, we can completely exhaust ourselves! And yet, "the yearning to attach and connect, to love and be loved, is the fiercest longing of the soul" (again John Ortberg).
Dallas Willard once said, the natural condition of life for human beings is reciprocal rootedness in others." ...."To make a start where we are, we must recognize that our world is not normal, but only usual at present."
We need each other. We were made for each other. And don't we all breathe easier when someone else stands up and says, "hey, I really need a REAL friend right now --don't you?" No one wants a normal friend, they want a real one. One that loves us so dearly that they can be honest with themselves in our presence and we can then reciprocate and be honest with them and walk away knowing we were just loved by Jesus at the same time. That is what we all look for. That is what we all desire if we are truly honest with ourselves. I am blessed in that I am finding more of Jesus and his love and grace in others these days. For so long, being too full of fear to show the "real Amanda" and becoming too "perfect"--- striving to be someone or something I was not -- "NORMAL". These days, I now know that my Jesus is the only perfect human being that ever walked the planet. AND, BABY, he was FAR from normal. If He loves me, (and He truly and deeply does) then I know I am unique, special and precious in His sight. If the creator of the universe, the painter of the beautiful canvas of life thinks I am precious -- then who can ever tell me otherwise?? Hi -- My name is no longer Normal. It is beautiful.
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